The Storm.

We survived  the effects of  Hurricane Sandy passing through.  I wish I could say the same thing about New Jersey & New York.  I watched the news in disbelief as I saw familiar places flash on the screen. All of which were devastated by the storm.  I couldn't believe the amount of flooding. I couldn't believe the amount of homes damaged.  I can't begin to imagine the lives  shaken by Hurricane Sandy.

Tonight my heart goes out to so many without power and now without homes.  My heart goes out to those whose lives have been turned completely upside down due to the flood waters.  My prayer tonight is that God will give direction as people begin to rebuild their lives, businesses and towns.  My prayer tonight is that  God will give hope to those who lost it and give courage and strength to all as they navigate through the aftermath of the storm.

Need Him?

As I walked Jaime tonight, I could hardly believe that November is right around the corner.  It felt good to slip on my flip flops and walk down the street and take in the fresh night air.  Everything seemed so still....so quiet...so peaceful.

There were no stars in the sky.. but there were plenty of clouds.  Often when we walk,  somewhere between random thoughts, I talk to God.  I talk to Him as if He were outside looking down on me as I walk.  I talk to Him as if He were right beside me  walking to.  I talk to Him as if  His arm is around my shoulder.  I talk to Him as if He were the only one outside.  To me He is.

Each time I walk out the door, for our early morning walk, I imagine that before I open the door, He is on the other side, waiting to walk with me.  And for those 20 or 30 minutes, as I am walking, talking, praying, confessing, crying, and sharing my dreams with Him, I feel in my heart that I have His full attention and nothing else in the world matters to Him except for me.  But He is so brilliant that while His eyes are on me and His ears are listening to me, He is holding the rest  of the world in His hands and attending to the cries of others...but not once does He look away from me.

Each time, I feel the wind gently blow, It reminds me that He is still there listening.  So I continue to walk and talk.    I talked to Him today about "healing".   How is it that healing can seem so complete and at the same time still need His touch because there is still something left behind? I thought about how I thought something must've been off  with me if  the healing that I experienced somehow seemed incomplete.

But I know that  healing is a process. Sometimes it's instant and sometimes it's not.  Regardless of  what it looks like, He will always be Healer and will show up as Healer as many times as He needs to. 

I thought about how He uses pain, in many forms to draw us to Him. I think  He uses pain as a means for us to get to know Him.   There is something about pain that allows us to experience His love and presence more deeply than we do when pain isn't pressing in on us.  There is something about pain that causes us to cry out to Him in sincerity with a loud or sometimes quiet desperation that says, "Father! I need You"

Does God long for us to say we need Him especially if we are self-reliant types?  Does He long for us to say we need Him so that He can step in and do for us what we can not do for ourselves? Does He long for us to just let Him be released of trying to do His job? Does He just long to be needed by us in the middle of our pain or while we are waiting to be healed?  Does He want to just hear us say, "I need you"?

I came in from our walk with  the lyrics of a song by Josh Wilson on my  mind.  The same song came to mind this morning.   The lines that stood out for me were: 

                                            "Why in the world did I think I could
                                             Only get to know you when my life was
                                              good?
                                             When everything just falls in place 
                                             The easiest thing is to give you praise

                                              Now it all seems upside down
                                             'Cause my whole life is caving in
                                              But I feel You now more than I did then
                                              How can I come to the end of me

                                              And somehow still have all I need?
                                              God, I want to know you more
                                              Maybe this is how it starts
                                              I find you when I fall apart..."


Tonight I  will rest in my safety net.  I choose to close my eyes and be still and know that He is God.

Can you read my blog from Heaven?

Dear Sweet Sebrena,

Happy Birthday.  Today we had gorgeous weather in our little part of the world.  I am sure if you were here right about now, you would be throwing some kind of shin dig to celebrate you...or someone would be throwing one for you.  The kids would have made all kinds of homemade gifts for you.  You all would have laughed and hugged  and they would hold on tight on purpose when you tried to let go.

I sometimes imagine that you are on vacation and you just haven't called because you're busy.  I sometimes imagine that you are going to call and say, "I was only joking, I really didn't die".  But I know deep down inside, that you are not here and that your not coming back.  I have always felt you  left this earth a little too soon.

I have never stopped thinking about you since you died.  Sometimes I laugh out loud with thoughts of  you.  Sometimes I'm just sad and wished you were here.   I wished you were here to see Dolly today. She was headed to a birthday party this morning.  She put on one of her Sunday dresses that she HAD TO wear, she put on her gold sparkly shoes, and a special necklace.  Before we left, she came over to me batting her lashes and  asked, "Do you like my make up?"  The girl had lavender eyeshadow on!  And lots of it.  (above her eyes and on her cheeks!).  Of course, I told her I liked it. (I had to at least take it off her cheeks).   I asked her who put her make up on and she said she did, and Noahkeem helped. I'm guessing he put the eye shadow on her cheeks.  Its funny things like that I wish you were here for.  

Every once in a while I play back my saved voice mails just to hear your voice.  As I listen, it feels as if you never left.  Every once in a while, we watch our home movies and there you are, saying something funny or doing something crazy on camera.

As time has passed the the pain of your death doesn't sting as much. Today I'm not sad, yet I still miss you.

I have stopped asking why.  I have stopped asking why you died so suddenly.  I have stopped asking  why your life was so short.  I have stopped asking if something could have been done differently.

It's okay that I don't have those answers.  What I do know is that I have never stopped loving you and never will.

Happy Birthday Sebrena. You're always in my heart.  
.



  

Thursday

Its been an entire week since my last post.  Over the last week, Dolly's tooth finally came out.. She has no idea what happened to it.  She noticed after snack time when she went to suck on her fingers, her loose tooth wasn't there.  I suspect she swallowed it during snack time.

Somewhere between homework and going to work, I forgot to leave her money under her pillow.  Strangest thing: she never asked why the tooth fairy never came.  I'll have to make sure the "tooth fairy" makes it up to her.

The smell of home made goodness

I got my new blades for my Zojirushi (Bread maker).  I was so excited to use it.  The first year that I had my bread machine I probably bought bread no more than 5 times the entire year !   I was turning out 2-3 loaves a week because no sooner than the loaves cooled, they were gone.

I was a little rusty on how to use the timer function.  There have been times where I have miscalculated what time I wanted the bread done by, only to have it  be finished at 2 in the morning.   Being the smart cookie that I am,  before leaving for work, I loaded all the ingredients in, I reread the timer section of the instruction manual, counted how many there are from 6:30-4:30, entered that in on the little screen on the maker and kept my fingers crossed.

When I got home a little  before 4:30 and opened the front door, it hit me....the smell of fresh baked bread!  My Zojirushi was here working away while I was work, Mixing the ingredients, forming the dough,  kneading it, letting it rise, kneading it again and finally baking it--all without my help.  

Thanking God this evening for the gift of modern technology.
 
 

October 1

I had every intention of loading up on construction paper on last Thursday to start our thankful tree project.  Instead I found myself once again in the E.R. battling what I thought was an ear infection.  Long story short,  I felt worse leaving the E.R. than I did going. I am happy to  report that  today  that  my ear is not as clogged as it was last week and voices are less muffled.  Does this mean I have to act like I really hear people  now?

And of course when we don't feel well we don't feel like doing a whole lot so blogging has not been at the top of my list.   Noahkeem has joined me in the "not feeling  100%" club and came home early today because of tummy trouble.  Dolly on the other hand is keeping busy playing with her loose tooth.  The excitement never ends.