Exactly

Have you ever heard a song or read a passage and thought, "that's exactly what I was thinking"?  A friend recommended I check out Psalm 55 today. As I was reading it this morning, and got through the first seven verses, I said to myself, "that's exactly how I have been feeling".  It was just surprising- if that's the right word, to read how overwhelmed  David felt, how his heart was pounding in his chest, and how he wanted to just fly away.  I am trusting that the invisible Living God that I don't see with my human eyes is watching over me, and watching out for me and  is still listening to me.

The last couple of days a song has been ringing in my head by Matt Brouwer.  Its called, 'I shall believe'.    It's his heart cry out to God, and its been my prayer.  But with all this belief.. I still ask God to help my unbelief and not to give up on me..   Here's the video:      

Somebody call the law!

 I've been a mother  to boys for 8 years (including Noahkeem's 6).  I have yet to get used to the little boy antics. this one was more than an antic though.  Yesterday, I zipped over to Food Lion - a local grocery store that I loathe but go there occasionally for the prices and convenience.  At the check out, one of my sons who will remain nameless asked me to smell the scent of a pack of gum that he wanted.  So I smelled it. I didn't really smell anything spectacular but, he did.  Long story short several hours later I found a piece of chewed up gum on the rug upstairs and knew that I didn't pass out any gum.  Where did the gum come from?  I called the two brothers upstairs, no one claimed it but it was thrown out.   We all went back down stairs to continue reading and I noticed one of the brothers chomping away at a piece of gum.  Where did that piece come from?  Through a little motherly interrogation, I discovered that the pack of gum was gotten from Food Lion  with a 5 finger discount- if you know what I mean.  At this point I am furious, excused myself and went to my bedroom to think of how to handle the situation.  I called the brothers in, explained to them how we don't steal and the consequences of stealing and how it even hurts Food Lions bottom margin when we steal.  I had them go to their rooms, find whatever money they had, the empty gum package (they greedily ate all 15 pieces) , and hop in the car.  We went back to Food Lion and had the manager paged.     I told the manager the situation and he shook his head and said, "uh Oh!"   The boys confessed to what they did, asked for forgiveness, explained that they wouldn't do it again and placed all their money down on the courtesy booth counter.  The manager listened to the apologies, and said okay to the both of them, and then thank you.  I of course expected more than that from the manager but, I'm sure he saw the remorse on their faces and showed mercy to them.      It was a very quiet ride back home.  I was pleased that they apologized and made restitution but, it will be a long time- and I mean a very long time, before they ever touch another pack of gum again.

The difference between yesterday and today.

So I woke up yesterday believing and trusting and had  several freakout moments and meltdowns... I guess they were all opportunities for me to trust and believe.  Today, I woke up well rested and with a sense of peace. (which was needed).  

In our cooking class I taught my students how to make applesauce- yum yum.  And as if cooking at 9am wasn't enough, I came home and made fresh rolls and am about to put together a lasagna, with filling that I threw in the freezer from the Gyozas my  sister made (aka Japanese pot stickers).  I'm expecting a unique and interesting flavor, but, not expecting too many customers. So far, no meltdowns, no freakouts, 1 huge hug & kiss accompanied by words of wisdom and prayer and one 4 year old singing "You are my sunshine" to me.

Believing

Hello Monday morning.  I'm holding onto that God can do things far beyond  and abundantly above  all I can ask  for or even think of.  Trusting that He will never let go of me.

Sometimes things will suck

The hardest thing about being a grown up is being a grown up.   With all the joys in life, there is no denying that life is sprinkled with many disappointments.  Some disappointments can not be avoided like death for instance.  People die.  Whether from a long term illness or something unexpected, people die.  And eventually if we live long enough we will see many people die and one day we will even die. 

I got through Sebrena's birthday.  I am still getting used to the fact that she  died and although I am not as distraught as I was, I still miss her deeply.  There is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about her and would love to ask her, "Why did you have to go and die?"  I know she didn't wake up  one day and say, "I think I'll die today".  I know she didn't plan it.  I know she had so many dreams not yet fulfilled. But yet she died.

Grief is a fickle thing.  It throws you into a world that no one understands unless they have been there.  It triggers memories out of the blue.  It causes tears to well up and flow when you don't need or want them to .  Grief doesn't care.Grief sucks!  It's painful. Its sucks your time, its sucks your life, it sucks your ability to concentrate, it sucks away your appetite, it sucks your energy.

It kills me how people think there is a timeline for how long you should be grieving. Or if you talk less about the person who died its assumed that the "grief" is gone or you feel better.  I love how people say, that they are there for you but, if you talk too much about the  person who died, they get tired of hearing it and try to pacify me with stupid cliche's about how she is in a better place now. Which I already know and I know that they are trying to be helpful but, its not helping-at all.   When I hear that it makes me  feel that the "caring person" who up to that point was listening has heard enough about my sadness and wants me to do the good Christian thing and  just focus on how she is in a better place.

I told myself to be careful not to build more walls to keep people out and from loving people deeply in light of Sebrena's death. I figured that if I love deeply, if I loose that person, the grief would be deep too. So it would be easier to keep people outside the walls and keep myself safe inside.   Yet there are those who I still love deeply, there are those who make me laugh, and smile and pull at my heartstrings.  I can't help loving them. Despite the grief, I still love deeply; All the while realizing  sometimes things will suck.

Does heaven receive air mail?

Sebrena & Me

Today is Sebrena's birthday.She would have been 35.  It was 10 months ago that she unexpectedly died. We miss her terribly.  I can still hear her voice in my head and I want her here with us.  I want her here with her friends and family that love her.  I want her to bust through the front door and say, " I'm back!"

The truth is  I struggle with grief.  The tears hit me in the most unlikely of places at the most unexpected times.   I struggle  because out of all of us I know that God loves her the most.  Out of all of us I'm sure her mother wishes she was here the most.   I still have so many unanswered questions that may never be answered- and I have to be okay with that. But I'm not okay with that.  Knowing that she is with her heavenly Father does not take the pain of the loss away.   In between all the unanswered questions, in between seeing people or things that remind me of her, I just cry.  I want my friend back and I can't have her back.  All I have are memories and that will have to be enough. 

This morning as I sat at my computer, Noahkeem asked me, if Sebrena could come back to life.  I told him no.  He asked me if we could send things to heaven- for her.  He asked if  we sent something to heaven would she get it.    I couldn't answer him because I was choking back my tears.  So I decided I would get a few balloons and release them to heaven and see how far they will float in the air until they disappear.   One day, we will be reunited again, and after we hug, and say how happy we are to see each other  again,  I can ask her if she got them. Until then Happy Birthday my Sweet Sebrena, I miss you and will always love you.

Sunday & simple prayers

Its a gorgeous Sunday today.. I have no idea what the temp is.  I promised Noahkeem-since the summer that he could wash my van for $3.  Today is that day.  I told him he could wash it and I will supervise at 3:00pm.   He is super excited and periodically keeps checking in to find out when 3:00pm is and how long it will take to wash the van.  To the best of my ability, I scrubbed down the inside and tried to kill the science projects growing in the kids cup holders, vacuumed it out twice and planning to put Dolly's carseat back in before the sun goes down.

Somewhere over the course of the week I managed to loose my beloved  ipod.  And today I need it.  Its sunny and I want my music humming in the back ground.  I lost my little music machine, but didn't beat myself up over it this time.  I have been changing purses & and back packs this week and I figured one of two things:  Its in one of my bags or some stranger is listening to some awesome music right about now.  I asked a couple of the Little people  if they saw my ipod and asked one in particular if they took it.  So what do I do best in situations like this? Pray.    So I just asked God in front of one of the Littles to help me find my ipod.  So after looking in about 3 places and dumping out my back pack and my hot pink tote back - I still couldn't find it.  As I began sorting things and looking through a note book what did I find? My ipod!  So I held it up so Dolly could see it and I said, "Look What I found?" I then began thanking the Lord,  for helping me and hearing and answering my prayers and Dolly kept smiling and asking me to help her with her sneakers. I continued to thank the Lord and celebrated with a little Toby Mac as I helped Dolly with her sneakers.  May she never forget that Jesus is always available to help us find the little things in life that mean alot to us.

This sums it up

Gotta luv social media!  I hopped on Facebook today for a brief second and something caught my eye.  So I posted it!   If only we all took this bit of advise what a different place our world would be. 

Help Wanted

As much as this is place is a platforms of confessions of a stay at home mom, I am always reluctant to share deeper stuff with those who read this blog.  I have several posts that are saved but not yet posted.  I have posts waiting in the wings of my mind.  I have posts that are nestled in the privacy of my journal. 

 I will say this much.  Life has been difficult.  We often give the appearance that things are great but deep down inside or sometimes not so deep down inside, things are not as great as we portray them. As much as we would love people to believe that things are perfect, they are not.  We are not perfect. No one is.  We live in a sinful, fallen and broken world.  That is the reality.  And with each breath we take we are closer to our deaths.  From the moment we are born we are already dying.  Isn't that sad?  Or is that the motivation we need to make our lives count and to live on purpose each day? 

Reading the blog of  a friend who is going through a difficult time has inspired me to say a little (yet not much) about my difficulty.  Writing is cathartic for me.  It helps me get out what is in my head onto paper or better yet onto this blog.  I make no apologies for my writing and opinions. Because they are what they are- they are mine.  

The very muddy water I am walking through is proving to be an interesting and difficult journey.  It is not hard to see sooner or later who loves you without question, without judgement, without conditions when you are at a difficult space in time.  Sometimes the love that rises up  is overwhelming- in a good way, and sometimes the disappearance of it from others is surprising and at times too thought provoking.  One thing I know for sure is that God's love never fails.  I don't want sympathy.  I don't want pity.  Yet Help is Wanted.

So as much as I would like to divulge everything, I know that this is not the arena for it.  One thing however amazes me through this season  that I am in is King  David.  Yes, the David of the Bible.  Looking through the Psalms I see where David is exalting God one minute and is in the depths of despair the next.  Yet God was very tender and patient toward David.  Tonight Psalm 142  caused me to pause and think.  David was alone, afraid, and in desperate need of God's help.  I realized that sometimes in life, there are things that only God can help with.  There are other times He will divinely set you up with people that He will use to help you but, other times, situations arise where your only hope is Him and Psalms 142 reflects that.

Psalm 142

I cried unto the Lord with  my voice: with my voice unto the Lord did I make my supplication. I poured out my complaint before him: I shewed  before him my trouble.  When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path.  In the way wherein I walked have they privily laid a snare for me.  I looked on my right hand, and beheld, but there was no man that would know me: refuge failed me; no man cared for my soul.  I cried unto thee, O Lord: I said, Thou are my refuge and my portion in the land of the living.  Attend unto my cry; for I am brought very low; deliver me from my persecutors: for they are stronger than I .  Bring my soul out of prison that I may praise thy name: the righteous shall compass me about for thou shalt deal bountifully with me.