Monday, October 24, 2011
Believing
Hello Monday morning. I'm holding onto that God can do things far beyond and abundantly above all I can ask for or even think of. Trusting that He will never let go of me.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Sometimes things will suck
The hardest thing about being a grown up is being a grown up. With all the joys in life, there is no denying that life is sprinkled with many disappointments. Some disappointments can not be avoided like death for instance. People die. Whether from a long term illness or something unexpected, people die. And eventually if we live long enough we will see many people die and one day we will even die.
I got through Sebrena's birthday. I am still getting used to the fact that she died and although I am not as distraught as I was, I still miss her deeply. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about her and would love to ask her, "Why did you have to go and die?" I know she didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll die today". I know she didn't plan it. I know she had so many dreams not yet fulfilled. But yet she died.
Grief is a fickle thing. It throws you into a world that no one understands unless they have been there. It triggers memories out of the blue. It causes tears to well up and flow when you don't need or want them to . Grief doesn't care.Grief sucks! It's painful. Its sucks your time, its sucks your life, it sucks your ability to concentrate, it sucks away your appetite, it sucks your energy.
It kills me how people think there is a timeline for how long you should be grieving. Or if you talk less about the person who died its assumed that the "grief" is gone or you feel better. I love how people say, that they are there for you but, if you talk too much about the person who died, they get tired of hearing it and try to pacify me with stupid cliche's about how she is in a better place now. Which I already know and I know that they are trying to be helpful but, its not helping-at all. When I hear that it makes me feel that the "caring person" who up to that point was listening has heard enough about my sadness and wants me to do the good Christian thing and just focus on how she is in a better place.
I told myself to be careful not to build more walls to keep people out and from loving people deeply in light of Sebrena's death. I figured that if I love deeply, if I loose that person, the grief would be deep too. So it would be easier to keep people outside the walls and keep myself safe inside. Yet there are those who I still love deeply, there are those who make me laugh, and smile and pull at my heartstrings. I can't help loving them. Despite the grief, I still love deeply; All the while realizing sometimes things will suck.
I got through Sebrena's birthday. I am still getting used to the fact that she died and although I am not as distraught as I was, I still miss her deeply. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about her and would love to ask her, "Why did you have to go and die?" I know she didn't wake up one day and say, "I think I'll die today". I know she didn't plan it. I know she had so many dreams not yet fulfilled. But yet she died.
Grief is a fickle thing. It throws you into a world that no one understands unless they have been there. It triggers memories out of the blue. It causes tears to well up and flow when you don't need or want them to . Grief doesn't care.Grief sucks! It's painful. Its sucks your time, its sucks your life, it sucks your ability to concentrate, it sucks away your appetite, it sucks your energy.
It kills me how people think there is a timeline for how long you should be grieving. Or if you talk less about the person who died its assumed that the "grief" is gone or you feel better. I love how people say, that they are there for you but, if you talk too much about the person who died, they get tired of hearing it and try to pacify me with stupid cliche's about how she is in a better place now. Which I already know and I know that they are trying to be helpful but, its not helping-at all. When I hear that it makes me feel that the "caring person" who up to that point was listening has heard enough about my sadness and wants me to do the good Christian thing and just focus on how she is in a better place.
I told myself to be careful not to build more walls to keep people out and from loving people deeply in light of Sebrena's death. I figured that if I love deeply, if I loose that person, the grief would be deep too. So it would be easier to keep people outside the walls and keep myself safe inside. Yet there are those who I still love deeply, there are those who make me laugh, and smile and pull at my heartstrings. I can't help loving them. Despite the grief, I still love deeply; All the while realizing sometimes things will suck.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Does heaven receive air mail?
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| Sebrena & Me |
Today is Sebrena's birthday.She would have been 35. It was 10 months ago that she unexpectedly died. We miss her terribly. I can still hear her voice in my head and I want her here with us. I want her here with her friends and family that love her. I want her to bust through the front door and say, " I'm back!"
The truth is I struggle with grief. The tears hit me in the most unlikely of places at the most unexpected times. I struggle because out of all of us I know that God loves her the most. Out of all of us I'm sure her mother wishes she was here the most. I still have so many unanswered questions that may never be answered- and I have to be okay with that. But I'm not okay with that. Knowing that she is with her heavenly Father does not take the pain of the loss away. In between all the unanswered questions, in between seeing people or things that remind me of her, I just cry. I want my friend back and I can't have her back. All I have are memories and that will have to be enough.
This morning as I sat at my computer, Noahkeem asked me, if Sebrena could come back to life. I told him no. He asked me if we could send things to heaven- for her. He asked if we sent something to heaven would she get it. I couldn't answer him because I was choking back my tears. So I decided I would get a few balloons and release them to heaven and see how far they will float in the air until they disappear. One day, we will be reunited again, and after we hug, and say how happy we are to see each other again, I can ask her if she got them. Until then Happy Birthday my Sweet Sebrena, I miss you and will always love you.
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