Sometimes things will suck

The hardest thing about being a grown up is being a grown up.   With all the joys in life, there is no denying that life is sprinkled with many disappointments.  Some disappointments can not be avoided like death for instance.  People die.  Whether from a long term illness or something unexpected, people die.  And eventually if we live long enough we will see many people die and one day we will even die. 

I got through Sebrena's birthday.  I am still getting used to the fact that she  died and although I am not as distraught as I was, I still miss her deeply.  There is not a day that doesn't go by that I do not think about her and would love to ask her, "Why did you have to go and die?"  I know she didn't wake up  one day and say, "I think I'll die today".  I know she didn't plan it.  I know she had so many dreams not yet fulfilled. But yet she died.

Grief is a fickle thing.  It throws you into a world that no one understands unless they have been there.  It triggers memories out of the blue.  It causes tears to well up and flow when you don't need or want them to .  Grief doesn't care.Grief sucks!  It's painful. Its sucks your time, its sucks your life, it sucks your ability to concentrate, it sucks away your appetite, it sucks your energy.

It kills me how people think there is a timeline for how long you should be grieving. Or if you talk less about the person who died its assumed that the "grief" is gone or you feel better.  I love how people say, that they are there for you but, if you talk too much about the  person who died, they get tired of hearing it and try to pacify me with stupid cliche's about how she is in a better place now. Which I already know and I know that they are trying to be helpful but, its not helping-at all.   When I hear that it makes me  feel that the "caring person" who up to that point was listening has heard enough about my sadness and wants me to do the good Christian thing and  just focus on how she is in a better place.

I told myself to be careful not to build more walls to keep people out and from loving people deeply in light of Sebrena's death. I figured that if I love deeply, if I loose that person, the grief would be deep too. So it would be easier to keep people outside the walls and keep myself safe inside.   Yet there are those who I still love deeply, there are those who make me laugh, and smile and pull at my heartstrings.  I can't help loving them. Despite the grief, I still love deeply; All the while realizing  sometimes things will suck.