This is where my new story begins...The truth

I have put down my blog for a long time because my life took so many unexpected turns.  Many things important to me died in my life... including this blog.  I think its about time to give life to it again.

I am writing a new story.  A story that I guess I have been writing all along.  A story in which I am the one holding the pen.  I'm pretty sure their will be a shift in my blog, the way I write, who I touch...but, then again, maybe not.   As I give voice to my new story, I have discovered some new truths and some truths that I have always known that  are perpetually before me.

The truth is :

   *   I am in the middle of a divorce and all of the nuances that it entails. 
   *   This storm continues to shape me despite the many days that I feel that I'm already shaped.
   *   Everyone has their own version of the truth.
   *   Sin cheapens relationships.
   *   There is something more to this life and I will find it.
   *   I am forever thankful for every opportunity to laugh and play...literally.
   *   I am grateful for friends that have become my sisters.
   *   I am thankful for God's mercy and protection.
   *   Whatever you feed will grow.


So now what?   Psalm 39:7, "And now, Lord, What do I  wait for, My hope is in You". (NKJV)




   

God, I have a question.

I've been having an ongoing conversation with God.  Telling Him all of the details of my life...even though I know He already sees it all. I kinda get the feeling He longs for the sound  of my voice.

Today, a song, by one of my favorite groups (All Sons and Daughters)  keeps finding its way into my mind and on my lips.

The song is called "Beautiful".  And every word, I have been speaking to God a thousand times.  Funny thing...He doesn't  seem to mind.

Beautiful

Will your grace run out if I let you down?

Cuz all I know is how to run.

Cuz I am a sinner if it's not one thing it's another, caught up in words, tangled in lies.

But you are a Savior, and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful... beautiful.


Will you call me child, when I tell you lies? Cuz all I know is how to cry.

Cuz I am a sinner if it's not one thing its another, caught up in words, tangled in lies.

But you are a Savior, and you  take brokenness aside, and make it beautiful...


.......Beautiful.

Dearest Dolly,

How could 7 years pass by soo quickly?  It seems like only  yesterday that I was staring at you asleep in your crib.  Now sometimes I have to beg you to go to bed.  No matter how big you get you will always be my little Dolly and I will always love you.

 Love,

Mom

Thank you

Lately,  I have had to turn down my own awesomeness so that I could hear God better. In the middle of my winter, all I can say  to Him is, "Thank you!"

Thank you Lord that you know all of me.  That your hand is upon me.  Thank you that whether I hear you or not,  see you or not, I can rest in the knowledge that you are here.  Thank you that you are my provider, thank you that you read my mind, you know my biggest dreams and my deepest thoughts.  Thank you that you are my peace.  Thank you that you calm my fears.  Thank you that you are with my in all my failures and all my successes.  Lord, in all of my struggles, and triumphs, thank you Lord that you meet me right where I am.

I came across this video of Lisa Page Brooks singing, "I want to say Thank You".  Wanted to share it with you.

Christmas

I love living in a beach town... even though its incredibly huge with about 13 zip codes...go figure.  I won't get into a rant about city planning.. I'll just shake my head and pretend it doesn't take me 20 minutes without traffic to drive to the beach.   I'm in a beach kind of mood but, my to do list is a little too long to disappear in the sand. Besides, its raining.

Hard to believe that Christmas is 2 days away. We have been having incredible spring like weather and I've been loving it.

My room has become a no access zone in fear that several little detectives disguised as my kids will go investigating and stumble upon some wrapped boxes with their names on them.  I have to pick up a couple more goodies for Cookie and then I'm done, with shopping that is.

Besides finishing organizing cleaning the house for Christmas,   my project for today is to figure out where the  cookie cutters are hiding. They are pretty special. I've been using them since I was about 3 and they are all metal. There's only but a few places where they could be.  Let's hope I find them before Christmas Eve.

 I'm super excited about baking several dozen in our new place. 

I hope 5 or 6 dozen will be enough.

The update

Its hard to believe the last time I blogged here was 6 months ago.  Trust me when I say I have had plenty of material to write about but, life would not allow me to blog about every detail of the last several months.

As I looked at a few previous posts, its no secret that I am not the same person anymore. (Nor should I be).

Since my last post, me and the little people moved to a place of our own, I survived working summer school, I accepted my new assignment in a different classroom this school year under an amazing teacher, I've remained a pescatarian, and have continued on my journey of health and healing.

I  took the VCLA and got a 522, took the Praxis2 and missed by 7 points. Which is pretty good given that Ive been out of school for nearly 18 years.  I'm still processing through that.

I became a gladiator (huge scandal fan)/Kerri Washington fan but, I don't know if I'll "turn up" next season.

I'm now an instagramer so that I can keep an eye on Cookie, I tweeted recently for the first time in a long time, and of course I have a few boards on Pinterest (a wonderful waste of time).

I have fallen in love with Plato's Closet but, refuse to buy anymore clothes or shoes since I am juicing and salading ( I know salading is not a word).

 The Christmas tree is decorated in rainbow colored lights for the first time in 16 years. I'm still getting used to it.  I usually have white lights.

I broke down and got a beta fish. He's red.  His name is Oliver. (Named after Olivia Pope of course).

Despite the struggle and the hustle, I have found a strength in me that I had no idea existed so I guess that makes me Superwoman.

I have been amazed time after time how God has shown up and has provided and filled my needs.  I have been amazed how God has been incredibly patient with me as I run, walk, stumble, fall, sprint, and crawl.

Lastly, I've gain a deeper appreciation for farmers.  They grow my green source of food.





 

Most Days

Most days, I talk to my Father. As far away as heaven seems, there are times He seems to be so close.   At the end of the day only His opinion of me matters.  Lately I have been thinking alot about Motherhood, what it means, and how it has shaped my journey.

I have officially been a work outside of the home mom for 1 year, 4 months and 3 days.  I thought I never would miss any of the mundane days of piles of laundry, cooking hot lunches,  filling sippy cups, and pushing strollers.  Today I actually did... at least for a split second.

Recently a girlfriend pointed out to me how childhood is so short but, adulthood will last the rest of our children's lifetimes. As I thought about that, I realized there are many things that I can not change and so many things that I am glad I have did for my kids this far. 

One of the best gifts I can give to them from here on out is the gift of a whole mother.  The best thing I can do  for them is to  check my emotional baggage at Jesus' feet everyday if necessary  and not give it to them to carry,  and to make my health a priority so that I can have the energy and mobility to enjoy them as long as I am able to.

Today my heart longs for God's wisdom and perspective.  I look to him to weed out those things that are not necessary and shine His light on those things that are meaningful and life giving. 

So Dear Lord,  I ask this evening in the middle of my imperfection and constant comparison to the non existent perfect mom, I am in need of your perspective once again for you are the Perfect Parent. You are slow to anger and full of mercy. Thank you for being merciful to me.  Help me to extend mercy to others especially my children.

Dear Lord, at the end of myself gently remind me  that your love, your strength, your wisdom is limitless and is always  available to me.  Remind  me  that your hand of love  is far reaching and can touch my children's hearts and minds  in ways that I will never be able to.  Help me  to trust that you will always partner with me and help me to be the parent I  need to be at every season of life my children walk through.  And where I have fallen short, fill in those gaps as only you can. Thank you for being a loving, completely whole Heavenly Father.   Amen.

And then He said...

I hear the  Savior say,

"Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness, watch and pray.

Find in Me thine all in all"

Jesus paid it all,

All to Him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

*Elvina Hall

Mother's Day

Today I am grateful for the wonderful opportunity to be a mother.  It is one of the most if not the most powerful thing a woman can do.  How incredible it has been to have been given an open door to partner with God to create a living being with a soul. Being pregnant is the only time in our lives that we will carry another person's soul inside of our bodies right under our hearts. Frankly, that blows me away.

How amazing to have been able to nurture  a living being with in my body from the time of conception to the time they entered into this world.

Being a mother has opened my eyes  to how very patient and how very tender the Lord is toward me. Being a mother has shown me that I am far from perfect but, I can rest in the fact  that God is perfect. And He will  iron out the wrinkles in my parenting and His love for my children is far reaching, especially when I do not know what to do.

No matter what emotions this Mother's Day evokes  for you, whether happy or sad, one thing is certain,  there is a Father who understands your heart and longs to hold you in His arms.

Mommy Wars

I had the wonderful privilege to stay home with my children for 11 1/2 years.  during that time span I had 4 beautiful children.

I found myself in the throws of laundry, cooking, cleaning, nursing, and homeschooling.  I had the opportunity to teach 3 out of the 4 to read, take many lazy days at the beach, show them around the kitchen and snuggle in the middle day if the situation called for it.

There were times that I wanted to be rescued from my little world because the task of raising mighty warriors seemed too daunting.  Then other days I basked in the glow of  happy smiles on their faces.

I knew I was an incredible mother.  I didn't need anyone to tell me that I was.  I saw it in my children's eyes.  I heard it in the compliments every where we went.  I knew that I was graced with the gift of patience and I was confident in my ability to manage my four.  If it sounds arrogant, its probably because at times I was.

As challenging as my job was, my pride filled heart "knew" that those poor working mothers didn't work harder than me and loved their children less. I mean c'mon, they got a break everyday.  They dropped their kiddos off to daycare and enjoyed adult interaction and when they came home they heated up some ultra processed meal that they called dinner, tucked their kids in bed and got up the next day and did it all over again.
 
I thought 'what a disservice these women were doing to their children by stuffing them into day care so that they can chase they almighty dollar so that they could live in houses that that they couldn't afford and drive a car with a payment  beyond their budget   and buy clothes with plastic that they would spend years paying off.  And at the close of the day because they gave their lives to an employer instead of their children they would turn to the likes of McDonald's  and Betty Crocker instead of giving their babies a home cooked meal. What a hard life right?'

After returning to the work force after 11 1/2 years as a mother with children, and now a single mother,  there are a few things that I have learned about myself and others..

- There will always be a sect of mothers who work  so that they can have all of the comforts of the American Nightmare Dream.
-Not every working mom wants to put their children in childcare or daycare.
-There will always be  mothers who cant wait to put their children in daycare.
-Working mothers  work hard...just as stay at home moms do.
-At the end of this life it doesn't matter if I cooked dinner from scratch or if I scratched my head and let Betty Crocker do it.  What matters is that my children's bellies are full.

 As a working mother I find it idiotic that my stay at home counterparts of whom I once was, often dub us as part time mothers.  We are not part time mothers.  We are full time mothers with either full time or part time jobs.

We still juggle, still make sure we have coverage for our little ones, still drive them to and from activities.
We have not stopped being mothers because we work outside the home.  We don't love our children less because we put them in day care. And we certainly arent damaging their health because every meal isnt home made.

Today I thank God for convenience foods.  I don't swear by them but, when  I need them they are there.  Giving them to my kids doesn't make me less than a mom.  It makes me a mom who is making sure her kids are fed.

As a now single parent who is a full time working mother, my love for my children has grown deeper over the last year  that I have been working outside of  my home.  I have a deeper appreciation for them,  a deeper level of patience  with them all because I no longer have the privilege of being with them 24 hours a day.

There are days when my heart longs to be with them.  Longs to read to them in the middle of the day.  Longs to teach them.  Longs to play with them. Longs to snuggle with them.

There are days when I know that the time we spend apart will afford them the opportunity to have other godly adults and caring adults pour into their lives.  Our time apart will cause them to make choices good  and bad, that I can't make for them. But eventually, they would have to make.

More importantly our time apart will  make the time we spend together more meaningful in countless ways.

 So who works harder, the stay at home mom or the work out of the home mom?  Truthfully, they both work hard. And at the end of the day, they will always be Mom.

***Lord teach us not to judge  or begrudge those who stay home or work out side of the home.  Remind us Lord that all of us love our children and we are doing what works best for the season of life that we are in.  Thank you Lord for convicting us of  the pride in our  hearts that says we are better than the next mom because of the choices we have made as mothers who care for our families.  Help us to know that you are our source and our strength, today and always.  Amen *

In love

I thought I was in love with the way God keeps showing up in my life in the middle of what seems to be the fight for my life. Yet the more I walk, run, and sometimes crawl  on this journey, I am beginning to realize I'm not  in love with the way God  keeps showing  up. 

What my heart is really  in love with is the way that He keeps reminding me that He is still here.  Please watch this incredible video that resounded so deeply with me.  To God be the Glory.

 

I will help you

Psalm 121

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?

My help comes from the Lord,

Who made  heaven and  earth.

He willl not allow your foot to be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold He that keeps Israel,

Shall  never slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is shade upon your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The Lord shall preserve you from all evil;

He shall preserve your soul.

The Lord shall preserve your going out and coming in

From this time forth, and even forevermore.

NKJV

Attention Deficit Disorder

Typically known as a disorder that children and some adults suffer, attention deficit order occurs when a person is predominately inattentive and have difficulty  getting on or staying on task. Or others with Attention Deficit Disorder have difficulty staying on task because they can not control both impulses and activity.

Lately I have been thinking about how  the time we give to  people,places, and things that capture our attention to the point of obsession throws otherwise balanced areas of our lives off kilter and causes deficits in other areas of our lives.  We then create our own Attention Deficit Disorder of sorts.

If we by escape throw ourselves into seemingly harmless activities, or cling too tightly to people, or submerge ourselves at places ad nauseam because those elements  give us some kind of relief or quiets something within us, it causes us to become deficient in some form or another. 

I find that it causes deficits in  activities that we once enjoyed but have  stopped  participating in because our escape activity has taken over. It causes deprivation in meaningful relationships with others because the one or more people we are overly drawn to become the center of  our world.

Hiding or hanging out  excessively at places that are relatively harmless causes deficits because opportunities we have to go elsewhere  and experience new things are squelched or diminished  because we can't get beyond  or chose not to go beyond  our place of escape.

Could it be that we all suffer from a little attention deficit disorder at one time or another?  Giving our selves and our attention,  to people, places and things that seem harmless, and because our attention becomes so fixated on these things, we create deficits, chaos and disorder in other areas of our lives that were once balanced?

The first month of the New Year is quickly coming to a close.  I feel its never too late to reevaluate where we are in life and make changes that would encourage growth.  Today let's consider what is unbalanced, chaotic, disorganized, and what  we give most of our attention to,  so that we don't continue to  struggle with our own form of Attention Deficit Disorder and perpetuate meagerness in areas of our lives that were designed for order, balance and harmony.

May we all have a fulfilling New Year, beginning today.

Wordless Wednesdays

Wordless Wednesdays

A useful box

Making New Year's resolutions were always too much pressure for me. This year I made several but only one I'm going hard after. I'm keeping my appointments with God.   Sometimes I fail, especially when the bed seems warm and I get an unexpected call from Him to get up and pray for someone. 

I usually tell Him how sorry I am l and double up my efforts in praying for whoever that person was.  This year I decided just to keep another blanket beside my bed on the floor, so that if he decides He wants to hear from me, when I'd rather be sleeping, I could just slip under my blanket- on the floor and talk to him and leave the excuse of I'm too tired or I'm too warm behind in the bed.

I decided to commit to reading my One Year Bible out loud this year.  When I calculated up the time that I spend on my computer, reading books, and playing with my phone, I realized that it far outweighed the time that it would take to read the  passages for that day.

So this year, I am reading.  I'm reading without thinking about how I didn't keep up with it last year or the year before that.  I'm reading and just focusing on what it says for the day that I'm in. I decided to keep my appointments with God's Word.


I committed this year not to exchange one mask for another.  For those that don't know, I have been walking through a major crisis for quite some time and for the most part haven't had the time, or desire to blog.  When "stuff" happens it's easier to front like things are all together, when they are not.  It's easier to hide behind a mask to for protection and so that people don't know how much it hurts.

I thought that I had cleaned out my armoire of masks.  But this year, I found that I still had some still hidden to choose from.  Something within compels us to preserve our "public selves" when in crisis'.  Of cousre we are not going to tell everyone our business and cry on every shoulder in public but, what if  we are presented with help, a listening ear, or tools that could move us to one area of productivity to another, do we still choose to hide out of fear or shame?  Do we not take hold of a life preserve because we are embarassed?  Is it really safer to hide than seek out help?  Do we hold on to the "belief" that if we ask for help that we are admitting to weakness?

Do we continue to claim that we are authentic people and  stuff our inadequacies behind  the mask of volunteering, in an effort to feel needed and then continue to over commit ourselves in that area? Do we hide our hurts behind the mask of over eating or under eating? Do we hide behind the mask of rescuing  in an attempt to help others and escape when we are clearly drowning and neglect to see that we are worth being saved and rescued?  Do we hide behind the mask of sexual immorality--in all its forms in an effort to feel wanted and loved?

This year I am exchanging all of my masks that I find so comfortable and safe for the grace, patience, and resources that are made available to me with every expectation that God is committed to seeing me smile, committed to seeing me healthy, safe, and in love...with Him.  He is committed to me, his daughter.  The truth is that there is no growth in hiding behind masks.  We have to choose to hide in Him.

I have been told by a dear friend that God doesn't waste pain.  I often wondered if He doesn't waste it, how then does He uses it?  Pain is ugly, feels like punishment, its messy, has layers and is like a tangled web.  Pain is painful.  Yet, He uses it to draw us closer to him in ways that we could never experience when things are going well.   He stretches us and causes us to depend on Him deeper.  He gives us many opportunities to release all of the things that tear us up inside and the secret parts of our hearts that no one knows about  to Him, all in hopes that we would give Him a chance to show us how deeply He cares for us.  Will I continue to deny Him of that?


When my oldest two were younger, we watched so many hours of Winnie the Poo.  On one occasion Poo gave Eeyore  a useful pot for his birthday. It was all he had to give.   I remember  thinking, "A useful pot?  Wouldn't he get more use out of a box?    At least with a box, he could fit more things in it and place it nicely on a shelf or under his bed.  At least a box is symmetrical  and unlike a clay useful pot, boxes aren't  easily broken".

I use to believe that we are useless if we are broken.. a  far cry from Winnie the Poo's useful pot or my imaginary useful box.   I assumed God needed time to put  us back together again and then set us on a course to save the world before we could be used by Him.  God  clearly does not think the way I do.  We are all useful to Him.  With all of our imperfections and flaws, He considers us a useful box..to be filled with more of himself.  He delights in us with all of our rough edges, chips, faults,  bumps, scratches, scars, pain, trauma and our emptinness. Not because these things are pleasurable to Him but, because He  can identify with our aching hearts and  has a mysterious way of weaving our imperfections into His great plan and purspose for our lives for His Glory.  

 He doesn't wait till we are perfect celestial beings to use us.  He uses us while He is still working on us, while we are still imperfect.  He knows that its easier for imperfect people to relate to imperfect people. Although it would seem logical that He would only  use us when everything in our world seems perfect, He always has a better plan.

His ideas are unlike ours. He is behind the scenes doing things we can not see and when we least expect it, he gives us opportunities to be used by Him.  Even when we feel useless, or alone,   He will use us in the middle of our storm.  

My prayer for 2013 is that  the only expectation that we have is that God will show up and that we know and believe that God is who He says He is.  

Welcome 2013!

Year 2

Its been 2 years since our dear Sebrena died.  There is not a day that goes by that I do no think about her.  Most of the time I think about her with out tears.. Sometimes the tears are there.

The kids are getting big.  Rocco is way too big for you to pick up and dance around with.  Cookie & Dolly are such a joy to be with and every so often Noahkeem asks about you.  Usually questions that I can't answer. 

2 days ago at work someone made hot chocolate in  a crockpot.  I didnt have any.  I was told  it was way too chocolately.  All I could think about was the time when you made that infamous hot chocolate for me.  You swore it was the best because you got the cocoa powder from Ghana.  So I drank it and it reaked havoc on my stomach!  Im laughing now but, it wasn't funny then.  It was soooo chocolately I knew the moment I drank it that it was going to upset my stomach.  It was  still  nice of you to offer me your best hot chocolate. 

I have to say, I  miss you dear Sebrena.  I wish that I could see you again, sooner rather than later.  I wish that I were shopping for an outfit to wear to your New Year's after party.  I wish the phone would ring and it would be your voice on the other end.  Every once in a while I listen to your voice message and read the last texts you sent... Just to keep you close. 

So here I sit wiping away my tears and about to start my day.. with thoughts of you. Thankyou for touching our lives.  You are so loved and missed by so many.  You will always be in my heart.

1 month later

Its been exactly one month since my last post.  I decided not to drop off the blogsphere completely but  trying to figure out a way to blog the happiness of life at least once or twice a week. 

Thankfully, I found my camera's charger so hopefully I will be able to post some new pics of my world with all this free time I have on my hands.  Until then I'll be consulting with  Santa, packing lunches,  and  tying shoe laces.

November 6

I think Im all blogged out.  I dont know how long I will continue to post here-if anywhere. 

I only have only one thing to say about November 6th.  I hope that all of us that voted , voted our consciences not party lines or skin color.

The Storm.

We survived  the effects of  Hurricane Sandy passing through.  I wish I could say the same thing about New Jersey & New York.  I watched the news in disbelief as I saw familiar places flash on the screen. All of which were devastated by the storm.  I couldn't believe the amount of flooding. I couldn't believe the amount of homes damaged.  I can't begin to imagine the lives  shaken by Hurricane Sandy.

Tonight my heart goes out to so many without power and now without homes.  My heart goes out to those whose lives have been turned completely upside down due to the flood waters.  My prayer tonight is that God will give direction as people begin to rebuild their lives, businesses and towns.  My prayer tonight is that  God will give hope to those who lost it and give courage and strength to all as they navigate through the aftermath of the storm.

Need Him?

As I walked Jaime tonight, I could hardly believe that November is right around the corner.  It felt good to slip on my flip flops and walk down the street and take in the fresh night air.  Everything seemed so still....so quiet...so peaceful.

There were no stars in the sky.. but there were plenty of clouds.  Often when we walk,  somewhere between random thoughts, I talk to God.  I talk to Him as if He were outside looking down on me as I walk.  I talk to Him as if He were right beside me  walking to.  I talk to Him as if  His arm is around my shoulder.  I talk to Him as if He were the only one outside.  To me He is.

Each time I walk out the door, for our early morning walk, I imagine that before I open the door, He is on the other side, waiting to walk with me.  And for those 20 or 30 minutes, as I am walking, talking, praying, confessing, crying, and sharing my dreams with Him, I feel in my heart that I have His full attention and nothing else in the world matters to Him except for me.  But He is so brilliant that while His eyes are on me and His ears are listening to me, He is holding the rest  of the world in His hands and attending to the cries of others...but not once does He look away from me.

Each time, I feel the wind gently blow, It reminds me that He is still there listening.  So I continue to walk and talk.    I talked to Him today about "healing".   How is it that healing can seem so complete and at the same time still need His touch because there is still something left behind? I thought about how I thought something must've been off  with me if  the healing that I experienced somehow seemed incomplete.

But I know that  healing is a process. Sometimes it's instant and sometimes it's not.  Regardless of  what it looks like, He will always be Healer and will show up as Healer as many times as He needs to. 

I thought about how He uses pain, in many forms to draw us to Him. I think  He uses pain as a means for us to get to know Him.   There is something about pain that allows us to experience His love and presence more deeply than we do when pain isn't pressing in on us.  There is something about pain that causes us to cry out to Him in sincerity with a loud or sometimes quiet desperation that says, "Father! I need You"

Does God long for us to say we need Him especially if we are self-reliant types?  Does He long for us to say we need Him so that He can step in and do for us what we can not do for ourselves? Does He long for us to just let Him be released of trying to do His job? Does He just long to be needed by us in the middle of our pain or while we are waiting to be healed?  Does He want to just hear us say, "I need you"?

I came in from our walk with  the lyrics of a song by Josh Wilson on my  mind.  The same song came to mind this morning.   The lines that stood out for me were: 

                                            "Why in the world did I think I could
                                             Only get to know you when my life was
                                              good?
                                             When everything just falls in place 
                                             The easiest thing is to give you praise

                                              Now it all seems upside down
                                             'Cause my whole life is caving in
                                              But I feel You now more than I did then
                                              How can I come to the end of me

                                              And somehow still have all I need?
                                              God, I want to know you more
                                              Maybe this is how it starts
                                              I find you when I fall apart..."


Tonight I  will rest in my safety net.  I choose to close my eyes and be still and know that He is God.