I still believe

I took this picture in February 2012 at the beach on  the day I gave up... and let God iron out the details of my life.

I thought my last post was my last post.  It seemed as though the more I "preached" to others the more I was preaching to the choir.  If  I blogged about trust, I was put in situations where I had to trust others and trust God.  I Not so comfortable given my trust issues.  If blogged about how perfect things were, things fell apart 5 minutes later.  If I blogged about patience, soon after mine would be tested.  If I blogged about balance, I would find my world spinning out of control.

What was my solution to all of the pop quizes that life was throwing my way?  I chickened out and decided that I wouldn't blog anymore!  But I am back tonight,  blogging.  Not too sure what twists and turns this blog will take but, here I am, emerging, a changed girl.

As I was on my unannounced hiatus, I was still tested.  While I was away, I saw  that I couldn't escape life. Life is hard, and has been hard.  The only thing in my life that was certain and secure has been Jesus.  He has been my only true source of hope.

Once  I  discovered that He knew and could  identify with my woundedness, then I began to trust Him.  The Jesus that I learned about my whole life died on the cross  for all the bad things I did, and was whipped so that I could receive healing. But,  I never knew until the recent past that all of the  betrayal, abandonment, rejection, abuse, and nakedness that I have felt in my life, He has felt the exact same thing too.  He identifies with our pain. And that just blows me away. For so long I have felt invisible, to a certain degree to God. For so long I felt like I had to prove my love for Him, when all I had to do is be still...and know that He was God.

 The more I  cried my eyes out to Him and poured out all of the secrets, the hurt and ugliness in my heart, the more He has shown me His love. Nothing I have told Him has scared Him away from me. He cares about all the little details that I care about and even though I felt invisble, He always saw me. He never stopped being committed to seeing me smile again.  He never stopped being committed to healing me and designing me into a new whole woman.

Today ended with  the wind being taken out of my sails. The only thing I knew to do is just run to Him, like a little girl  with tears streaming down her face who  runs and jumps into her Daddy's arms trusting  that her Daddy would make everything better.

I sat on my bed and I laughed a little with tears in my eyes, reminding Him (and myself ) that just because certain unexpected things happened today, it didn't change the fact that He is who He says He is  and that He has not abandoned me and He would come through for me even though I didn't have all  of  the pieces to the puzzle.

As I go to bed tonight,  I don't have everything figured out. Tonight I am resting and believing that the Father in heaven is and always will be true to his Word and that gives me all the comfort I need.