unanswered

My blog is just one big smorgasbord of  whatever is going on in my head and outside of my head.  Some days its heavy, some days its light.  I once read that you should pick a theme for your blog and stick to it.  I can't seem to do that with this one.  This blog is what it is.  My confessions, my opinions, my happenings, my highs and a few lows.  Today's special for the day is entitled: Unanswered. To some it will make no sense and to others it will make a world of sense, to me, its a little of both.  I wrestle with why so many things keep going unanswered.

                                                                   Unanswered

What exactly do you do when you are not being answered?  You have plenty of questions,  but the answers are not coming fast enough.  Funny thing about parenthood  and life in general is that you read all the books on "what to expect when expecting" but, there seems to be a shortage on "what to expect when the unexpected happens" books.  So when there is little faith to hold onto, do you still believe?  When the trust factor is low, do you still trust?  Do you still continue to ask questions when all of them seem to be unanswered?  Or do you stop asking?

Prickly Ash Oil- An international tale of sorts

My sister, "Gigi" and her friend, "Ness" were here for a visit from the west coast and we had many great dinners together.  Last Sunday my sister made Gyozas-  a.k.a. pot stickers.  Somewhere between Saturday and Sunday the hunt was on at an Asian market to get ingredients.  After multiple trips to the store, our meal was on the table. The kids made their usual, "this is foreign to me, I'm not sure I will like it, it's yucky, can I have something else?" comments.  The adult girls sat down with our food & wine,  after the little people left, and began to eat and chat.   Soy Sauce was used to dip the gyozas in  and it was mixed with something called, "prickly ash oil". Interesting name right?  The sauce had an incredibly unique flavor.  And by unique I mean odd.  So I decided to pour a little more oil on my little rectangular Japanese appetiser plate.  I then proceeded to try the oil-straight!  What on earth did I do that for?  It was as if someone took my tongue and coated it with soapy oil and it felt slightly tingly but more thickly coated than tingly.  How could I finish my gyoza with my tongue out of commission and without offending my sister who flew  over 1000 miles to see me and cook this Japanese meal which was now ruined because I helped myself and doused my plate with Prickly Ash Oil?  How could I eat the  corn on my plate with it sitting in small pool of Prickly Ash Oil? So I asked myself,  "If I clicked my heels 3 times would I then be transported to Kansas or would the Prickly Ash Oil disappear off my plate?"

  So many thoughts ran through my plate as I stared at it.  I still ate my gyozas and washed it down with a nice little drinkie but my tongue felt odd none the less. My brain and thoughts were now in overdrive.  I then figured that it was probably Prickly Ash Oil from my lips got into the glass because even my drink did not taste the same!!!!   So I asked for more to drink in a  clean glass. All the while I was waiting for Alfred Hitchcock to slowly walk from around the corner to let me know that I have now entered the Twilight Zone.

I should have known something wasn't right because the bottle did not have any English translation except for the ingredients and it didn't look like it was for human consumption. I even noticed the numbers 2003 and under it 2005 which only could mean that it was packaged in 2003 and expired in 2005!  It's 2011 right?  But it was too late! I already had some.  It didn't offer a 'the kick' I was looking for.  It wasn't suppose to.  I sipped my drink and that didn't help and I sat there befuddled and we got in to a roaring laughing conversation about Prickly Ash Oil  that has been ongoing for the last 3 days!  The conversation seems to run from "what was I thinking eating it straight?" to  "the lady at the store showed me the pepper it came from and  I was told it was the right oil", "It's not hot" "It's supposed to be hot" "not supposed to be hot" "My tongue feels coated" "Can we have that with Prickly Ash Oil?" and comments of the like interspersed with laughter and cackling.  After all that drama, I had to do a little "research" about Prickly Ash Oil.

What I found out is that the Prickly Ash peppercorns are used in Chinese food- not necessarily the fast food Chinese food we get. But in conjunction with other oils.  That thick coated prickly feeling on my tongue was not in my imagination!  It does produce a tingly numbness.   And it also is used for homeopathic purposes: Inflammation, stomach aches, ulcers, bowel diseases,   tooth aches, circulation- tons of other  ailments.    Needless to say Gigi tossed the Prickly Ash Oil into that trash. It probably would have made a good lubricant for door hinges or  could have shined up my tires like Armour All, but, guess I'll never know.  One thing I do know is that I will stay far away from the Prickly Ash  in the future.  I'm so traumatized, I might even start a support group: "PAOVU" "Prickly Ash Oil Victims Unite!"

The Jesus Machine

I sometimes see Jesus as a slot machine.  If we are truthful, alot of us at one time or another has seen Him as a slot machine.  We pull the arm, hoping we get the highest yielding images all in a row.  And we pull and pull on the arm until the Jesus Machine comes through or until  we feel our luck has run out and the game is over.  We hope and hope and hope that things will be different in life if we just do and say all the right things and if we follow the formulas that we have been given.  If we do all of those things and try to a little harder in life,  when we  come to the slot machine, the Jesus Machine, and pull the arm, our hope is that we  will hit the jackpot.  

 But, it never seems to work.  We pull the arm and watch the images and number sevens past on by and beg and bite our bottom lips in hopes that it would just stop on the right pictures.  Because deep inside, you just want to hit the jackpot.  You want to hit the jackpot of life, of love, of relationships.  You want to hit the jackpot of peace, the jackpot of affirmation, and the jackpot of acceptance.  And we end up walking away from the slot machine, the Jesus Machine disappointed because, all the hard work and trying has left us with empty pockets.  Yet we muster up enough strength to come back and play the machine again- but still end up with the same empty results.

The reality is, is that  there is no formula.  The reality is  that  the formulas that are given are too numerous to follow them all to get it right enough to hit the jackpot of life.  The bottom line is , is that the Jesus Machine lets you lose just enough times so that you can end up crying out for another method of touching His heart so that you can get what you feel you want and need.  The truth is that He gently leads you and guides you into knowing that you don't have to try a bunch of tricks to win his love and approval for you and of you. He leads and he leads and he leads you gently. He allows all of the formulas and tricks to frustrate you so that you hunger for something  more solid, something more substantial. He leads you away from the tricks, away from the formulas, and away from the vision of Him as a slot machine. He sees, although it takes human eyes longer to see, that you do not have to earn what he has already paid for.  He already loves you. He already accepts you.  He did all the work for you.  He paid the price, so you wouldn't have to.